I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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