I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
