i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
