my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
