you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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