You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
