get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
