My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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