I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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