I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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