I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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