i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
