That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
True strength comes from lack of pants
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
