I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
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