I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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