are you still at the devil's house?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
