please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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