you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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