After last night, I could never be a politician.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
