I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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