I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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