Plan B is the new Plan A
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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