i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
