I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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