I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
