Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
