i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Found the puke drawer
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
