so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
