That's when you crack a 10am beer
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
