Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
