This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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