Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
