My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
