I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
