Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
