my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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