Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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