woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
