yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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