Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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