She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
