Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
