you would pick up someone in the library
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
