My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
