I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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