i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
