I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
