yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Bring me that man meat
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
