our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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