Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
